The last few weeks have been full of joy, hope and the feelings of starting to get back on track. Quickly followed by the lows, I’ve had the stress and worry concerning my headaches and eyesight (still not resolved yet), our business subject to a buy out and the decision by the hospital Doctor deciding to change my medication.
I’ve started to reduce my dose of Sertraline as instructed before beginning the new tablets, and do I know about it!! The dark days of depression have crept back in, the motivation is dwindling and the ‘why bother’ thoughts are back with a vengeance. I have started to get back out running with my step sons girlfriend, that’s getting harder each day to pull myself out of bed, I’ve started drinking far more than I should be (again!) and I know it’s upsetting my gorgeous wife but still I do it, WHY??
I’ve self referred to Compass now with regard to my drinking, on a bad day I think drink is great, tastes nice and could spend all day drinking, on a good day I think ‘what’s the fuss?’ so now I have decided to get help to control it and possibly quit altogether. I know it will be hard but I am determined to succeed.
Anybody who has suffered depression knows exactly what I’m rambling on about, those that haven’t, please hang in there while I try to explain.
On periods like now I, like many others have the thoughts of, changing their diet, exercising more, stressing less, eating more healthily and trying to become happier in myself, then, the horrible side kicks in, the ‘I can’t be bothered’ thoughts starting arguing with the ‘let’s get motivated and active’ thoughts. The ‘let’s eat healthy and lose weight’ thoughts argue with the ‘can’t be arsed to prepare healthy food’ and then the ‘must cut down on my drinking’ thoughts clash with the ‘another little one won’t hurt’ thoughts!
I am writing this now because I am feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment, I’m in bed beside my wife, who’s asleep, thinking ‘why am I putting her through this?’ enough is enough, I’m feeling emotional and half of me wants to end the pain right now, the other half doesn’t want to quit just yet!
The alarm is set for a run, fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day.
Ps. P3 charity, if you are reading this I’m thinking I might be self referring and hopefully getting out of this downward spiral before irreversible harm is done!
Steve Braim 
Bless you. I so feel your pain. It’s a never-ending, exhausting battle to keep the Black Dog at Bay, isn’t it?? Such a roller coaster all the time! I find that when it’s snapping at my heels again, I have learnt over time not to fight against it but just to slow down and do my very best to be kind to myself. I don’t expect too much of myself, just focus on doing one small thing a day because, quite frankly sometimes, even just the thought of washing the dishes is exhausting! I find getting outside in nature as much as possible helps me alot. No matter, being surrounded by greenery or water softens the hardet edges. Matt Haig’s book ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ has been a lifesaver for me and it’s a constant at my bedside. Hang in there. I know it’s unfathomably hard at times but there are people like me who understand how it feels. Take care. X
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Hi Kerry, thank you for the kind words and the book advice, I will give it a try
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Hi Steve. I remember when I had a bad depression back in 2014, I wrote a blog and it helped me so much. I found getting my feelings out, almost writing a diary – it enabled me to share what was going on in my head. So keep going.. write what you need to share and however often you want to write. It will help. There will also be ups and downs. I found even when I knew what helped me, there were days when doing those things were hard. My dog helped a lot as I had to get out and walk her. You are not alone in feeling like you are feeling. I will bookmark this blog and keep checking back in to read your posts. Sophie x
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Hi Sophie, thank you for your reply, I did find that going running in the mornings did help so I’m trying to get back into that. x
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