It’s been 4 1/2 months since I wrote my last blog praising everyone and recommending apps and podcasts.

A lot has gone on in the time since I wrote that one, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic that no one knows what’s going to happen next, we’ve had a great summer, unfortunately no one was allowed out to enjoy it and most importantly football is just not the same 😩

In that time I had a spell where I felt myself sliding back down into depression, part of me was pleased that I can now recognise the signs but part of me was also annoyed because I can’t seem to do anything to stop it. This time seemed to be different though, when I had one of my regular chats with my mum (yes mother, monthly does constitute regular!) I’m only kidding, we do chat more than that and yes I know I’ve digressed, on our chats she’s always said ‘how are you feeling?’ I’ve always answered with ‘not too bad’ how vague is that? For some reason this time is actually said ‘not great, I’m struggling’ for any of you that’s ever suffered or is suffering you’ll realise how hard a sentence that is to say.

Her response? ‘Read your own blog!’ In a nice way obviously 🙄 I went back to basics, looked at what I was and wasn’t doing and tried to make it right again.

Wasn’t doing: running, meditation, healthy eating, exercise

Was doing: eating crap, drinking and being a pain in the arse to my wife

The one thing I decided I wasn’t going to do was go back on to the tablets, once I started on my little regime again I started to feel better, that was probably 2 months ago. Annoyingly I’m back on the spiral again, I really just want it to stop now.

My running was getting better until I hurt my achilles, I was doing the MK virtual marathon which is 6 planned runs at my own pace in my own time, 2x 5km, 2x 6km and 2x 10km, the 5’s & 6’s all done, felt good about the 10’s and along comes an injury. I don’t know if it’s all related but not running means my fitness is disappearing, my intake of food is increasing as is the waist line, which in turn is increasing the self loathing!

I’m not meditating because I’m always tired, if I meditate I’m going to fall asleep instead, the podcasts that I loved listening too have become a monotonous drone rather than something I enjoy listening too.

So, you can now see how easy it is for someone with depression to slide back into the black hole that seems to consume their life, I want to feel normal again, no more hurt, no more sadness, no more worthlessness. At the moment I don’t want the tablets but can’t seem to see an alternative.

I think I’m going to take my mums advice, at last, and re read my blogs, restart the exercise even if it’s just walking and stop putting on weight!

I will also set aside 20 mins a day for me, no distractions, no phone or tv and just relax my mind. Starting with a doze now!

4. Dr Rangan Chatterjee

Where do I start with this man? I wasn’t aware he did tv programmes like Doctor in the House, the first I heard of him was when Sian from P3 lent me her copy of The Four Pillar Plan, I will point out at this stage that I gave it back a third of the way through and bought a copy myself, it’s even been lent out by me too!! It’s a book written by a doctor that knows that what he learnt in medical school isn’t the be all and end all, real people with real lives are the key to any learning. The book is divided into 4 sections (hence the name!) they are Eat, Move, Sleep and Relax, seems obvious but when someone spells it out to you it starts to make sense, it’s written in easy to understand terms that everyone can relate to, it’s led me onto other books, podcasts and online communities, it’s available at nearly all book selling outlets, and it’s worth having a copy that everybody can refer to.

I’ve since read the Stress Solution and Feel Better in 5, this last book is easy to understand and takes three 5 minute spells during your day to feel better, and it does.

I also downloaded his podcasts which are very informative and his gets are excited about their particular subject, I’ve even been that impressed by some of them I’ve bought and read their books! I’m up to number 105 now so nearly caught up, there are a few that were totally irrelevant to me so I did skip them, probably count them on one hand too!

Finally, the Dr Chatterjee Facebook page is definitely worth following, there seems to be a large number of people with minor and or major issues in their life but they all seem to support each other no matter how bad they may be feeling themselves, there’s people on there that you can relate to and realise that you’re not the only one and there are people coping with much worse than us.

Dr Chatterjee books I have are

The Four Pillar Plan,

The Stress Solution

Feel Better in 5

The podcasts are on all podcast suppliers and are called Feel Better, Live More

The Facebook page is Dr Chatterjee 4 Pillar Community Tribe

5. Calm app

One of the podcasts I listened to from Dr Chatterjee was the founder of Calm, I’d heard of meditation, yoga (my sister used to love it) me time and all the other things people call it, the long and short of it is that we don’t take 5/10/15 minutes a day to relax and think about nothing, how many of you get 5 minutes and pick up your phone to check Facebook, Instagram or Twitter in case anything has changed in the last hour? You’ll pick up the phone (I was guilty of this too) check social media, get annoyed and stressed because let’s be honest, there’s some shit posts on there that will wind you up, you’ll lose 1/2 hour which you’ll never get back and be less constructive afterwards due to the negativity!

Since I tried Calm, there’s loads out there including Headspace, that get you to practice meditation, how hard can it be? 10 minutes sitting down listening to some soothing sounds, well let me tell you, it’s bloody hard! I now understand why it’s called meditation practice, that’s what is needed, practice.

I am nowhere near being any good at it but I am improving, slowly, one thing I have noticed is when I don’t do it one day I miss it and chastise myself for not taking 10 minutes to do it, 10 minutes out of a day consisting of 1440 of them!! When I have done my daily relaxation I do feel so much better, a good friend of mine has started doing it too before work having read my blogs and says it’s great, he knows who he is 😉

Calm is a paid for app so not for everyone, they do have free bits on there too but I would highly recommend people get themselves a suitable meditation/relaxation app and give it a go, what can you lose? 10 minutes as opposed to 30 minutes lost to social media!

6. Everyone else

A bit vague I know, the previous acknowledgements were people or businesses that helped by going about their jobs in a professional and caring manor, these people are doing it for kindness,

Firstly and most importantly my wife, she’s my rock and best friend and has helped me immensely, I wouldn’t be here today without her and no you can’t have her details!

Then there’s the rest of my family including my mum, she has been through a trauma that many of us will never understand and hopefully never have to experience but she is always there to check I’m alright, she’s the perfect mum and mum in law I’m told!! There’s the kids that have always been supportive even though it must be difficult watching someone you love suffer and not being able to do anything other than listen, thank you Bex, Marc & Luke and of course, Evelyn my little monkey that makes everything perfect.

Finally there’s the friends, they always say that you find your true friends when you’re having difficulties, Len & Caroline, Dunc & Vicki, Sally & Simon, Richard & Julie have all been supportive in their own way which has meant a lot, even when they’ve had their own problems to overcome, and Steve W, my betting buddy, he’s been the one that always adds a little comment or text message after each blog, it’s surprising how effective that is in someone’s recovery, thanks mate

I’m hoping someone out there has found something useful in the weeks I’ve done these blogs, even if it has helped one person then I’m happy.

Thank you to everyone that has read these and more importantly shared the links, means a lot xx

Almost 8 weeks now since my last tablet, back on the running regularly and even dusted the pushbike off and riding to work (albeit not far!)

It has been a difficult few weeks, I won’t lie but a lot of that has come from people blatantly not following the guidelines, the more I see them the more I think are people that stupid, then I realise it’s not stupidity in any way, it’s selfishness which is far worse, stupidity can be explained away, selfishness means you know what’s happening or could happen but they don’t give a shit about anyone other than themselves.

I’m glad we seem to be coming out of it now but my fear is of another spike, as I said in my previous posts, don’t worry about what you can’t change, as long as my family and friends are safe then that’s all that matters at the moment.

There’s a lot of vulnerable people out there that don’t have the supportive network that I do, it’s them I fear for, we should all try and help as much as we can, if I had one request from people it would be to ask for help, don’t feel like you’re a burden because you’re not, the burden is for the 6 people that have to carry your coffin because you didn’t speak to people.

As i mentioned in my last blog I was going to let people know a bit about each of the things that helped me and some contact details. Here goes;

1. Doctor

For obvious reasons it’s no good giving you my doctors details, you’ll need to insert your own. Hopefully peoples doctors, nurses, practitioners are as kind and understanding as mine were, the biggest step by far is admitting you have a problem, the close 2nd is telling someone you have the problem. When I eventually got the courage to see my doctor is saw our nurse practitioner Janet Thornley, she was understanding and kind but most of all she was patient, I’m sure she could have gone down the ‘you have 5 minutes’ route but she didn’t, she took the time over a few weeks to listen, to advise and to explain what was going on, unfortunately not all doctors surgeries are that good but you won’t know until you try talking to them, that’s the first step that needs to be taken and I can’t reinforce enough the importance of this first step.

If you’re reading this Janet or anyone knows Janet Thornley then thank you for everything

2. Councelling

I’ve never been one for ‘talking’ so Councelling was a huge step for me, Janet persuaded me to go with some very well worded and constructed arguments, I owed my wife and her to at least give it a go with an open mind.

I’m sure I wrote in one of my blogs about giving up smoking, how I’d read a book called the ‘easy way to give up smoking’ by Alan Carr (not the comedian!!) the long and short of it was to read the book with an open mind and it will work, it did, Councelling is pretty much the same, if you go in without preconceived ideas then you have a good chance of it working. I did a fair few weeks with a lovely councillor called Kate Stubbings, she was good and I did get a lot out of it, not everything I wanted or needed but it was a great stepping stone on the road to recovery

Counselling Works in Stony Stratford, Milton Keynes is who I used, there were different plans and options

62 High Street, Stony Stratford, Milton Keynes, MK11 1AQ

01908 263800

http://www.councellingworks.co.uk

I appreciate that there are people everywhere reading these blogs (even in Australia 😀 ) that can’t access Councelling Works in MK but I’m sure they could help you locate someone local if you’re having difficulties finding someone, they were good for me for which I’m very grateful

3. P3 Live Life

P3 are a nationwide charity that have staff all over the country, I was referred to them but couldn’t tell you who by! I was moving from one NHS department to another without any real understanding of what was going on, luckily I was referred to P3. I’m not going to bash the NHS because I’ve always had good service from them, they’re understaffed and underfunded but that’s a debate for another day and another blog!!

As I say, I was actually referred to P3 and I had a call and then visit from two lovely ladies, Sarah & Sian, they were kind and understanding while assessing me at the same time 🤦‍♂️ I have since found that I can self refer if I need too, same as anyone so a call wouldn’t be a bad thing if you’re struggling. I digress though, Sarah & Sian, Sarah became my mentor, helper (won’t say carer) and friend, you get 8 sessions of an hour over 8 weeks with them, she was just there to chat and listen, over a cup of tea in a cafe, during a walk and we even went for a run one week!! what she did well was to make me feel wanted and useful, to chat and get things of my chest that were stressing me out, little things like the appointments and consultations with the NHS she contacted them in my behalf and got things more organised for me, I didn’t realise at the time but now with more clarity I appreciate the work she put it, when you’re anxious and depressed (bearing in mind it was at an early stage) things are not clear and little tasks even seem difficult to grasp, by not worrying it was allowing my brain to try and grasp some normality in every day life. I won’t lie, I was wary at the beginning but I came to look forward to our hour chatting. Thank you Sarah, you were great at your job and you’re just a lovely caring person.

Don’t let me forget Sian either, even though I didn’t meet her again she did lend me Doctor Rangan Chatterjee’s book, the Four Pillar Plan (I’ll cover this later) and also mentioned there were podcasts by him, they’re brilliant, I swear by them. So Sian, thank you, you’ll be surprised how much that one little bit of kindness helped!!

P3 are national and their main contact number is 0115 850 8190

http://www.p3charity.org

I’ll post this one now and then add some more details tomorrow

It’s been 5 weeks with my reduction in tablet use, 2 weeks on half dose and now I’ve just completed 3 weeks of nothing! It has been quite hard but not impossible, I’m one of the lucky ones that has the perfect wife, understanding, caring and loving, without going off on one if I was having a bad day but is always there when needed. That’s why I love her!

The first few days were like ‘how will I cope?’ ‘What happens if I get stressed?’ ‘What if I can’t get off the tablets?’ All of these were genuine concerns that, in my opinion, everyone suffering asks themselves, some want to stick with what they know, some want the relief of not having them and some just need help and guidance to reduce their levels. Whichever suits people is the right option.

As I had put in previous posts, I’ve changed jobs, no stress, happier and wanting to do more, this week was a good test to see how far I’ve come, Friday (24th) was the fourth anniversary of my sisters passing (and fourth anniversary of running the London marathon) and I had a good day thinking about her, talking about her and raising a glass to her, up until now all those things had hurt too much and put me back into a downward spiral of depression, this year was different, I can’t change anything that has gone on in my past, I can only remember the good times we had, I can’t predict the future so I won’t worry about it, I can only enjoy the ‘now’.

There’s things that I can change and that’s my weight for starters, I’m probably 3 stone over weight, or 2 ft 6in too short for my current weight! I’ve got back into doing Weight Watchers which seemed to be the only one that worked for me, once I’m back at my ideal weight I’ll then start making the habit changes to make sure it sticks this time. I’ve also continued my running which I enjoy (even more so when I’m lighter!) I’m still listening to my Podcasts and doing the meditation as often as possible.

I can change my level of fitness so I will be running more, I have a running buddy back too so fingers crossed we help each other 🏃‍♀️

I can also change how I look at and react to things, before I thought ‘why are you doing it like that?’ Now, if it doesn’t affect me you can do it however you like, I will have forgotten about it an hour later! 😂

I’ve found that I also need to keep busy, the lockdown that everybody is suffering at the moment is affecting many people in many different ways, my only hope is that they have loving family and friends like I do to help them through it, if you know anyone that has suffered in the past (could be putting a brave face on again), anyone that is going through mental health issues now or anyone that you can see signs of ‘all not being well’ then try to get them to talk, get them to share their feelings or show them these blogs and ask them to message me. We’re all in this together.

Another day, another sunny one and all is good still, out working, keeping the nation fed (if you’re posh enough to shop at Waitrose) and keeping myself sane, I have done my usual podcast listening and have had a Eureka moment (well, a small one!) today’s podcast was by a man called Patrick McKeown and it was about breathing, I know what you’re thinking, I already breathe! This podcast was about breathing properly, through the nose for starters, the nose was designed to filter and regulate breathing, the mouth isn’t, if you look at any medical journal regarding the mouth, there is not one that mentions breathing as one of its purposes! I was impressed by the logic and explanations that are given and how everything seems to make sense, poor breathing leads to stress levels rising which leads to poor sleep, poor sleep leads to poor breathing (mouth open and tossing & turning) poor breathing leads to stress levels rising etc etc, you get the idea, how many of you can honestly say you breathe through your nose constantly? I was hooked on this podcast and have now purchased the book (good old Amazon!). Back to my Eureka moment, I am going to try and piece together all the people, organisations, podcasts etc that have helped me over the last year or so, all the contact details and a brief insight into what they do, all the healthy advice, including breathing and anything else I come up with or can remember and put them into one helpful go to blog, that way everyone can try and take some elements from different areas to make small changes in their lives without reading whole books or listening to loads of podcasts. It’s given me a focus to learn more (I love learning) and hopefully help others.

Right, I’m off to start studying, have a good day and stay safe

It’s been 2 weeks since my last post and 4 weeks since I quit my job, since then I seem to have got my life back in order.

I’m back doing what I enjoy most, driving a lorry, I’ve also spoke to my doctor and I have reduced my dose of tablets, first time I’ve reduced in a long long time!

If there’s anything I’ve learnt from all this and it’s something my sister always used to say (I thought it was one of her fads at the time) was ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, that’s so true, try not to worry about what has happened before (can’t be changed), don’t worry about the future (could change in a split second) but worry, wrong word, enjoy the moment you’re in, look around you and appreciate everything that is good.

I know this seems a bit silly but I’ve been listening to my Feel Better Live More podcasts from Dr Rangan Chatterjee which has been very helpful to me. Little things that are discussed etc are things like, walk more, get fresh air and just take in the beauty around you, really look at the things you’re surrounded by, trees, grass, flowers, people, the sky, even to a point vehicles, and just take a moment to think about them, how they came to be about, what their purpose is and why everything works better together. Use the Calm app and take time out for yourself (others are available but I like this one), be grateful for what you have, don’t stress for what you don’t have.

I’ve been thinking recently about friends and family who are suffering with mental illnesses, how are they doing in this difficult time that we all face? Would it hurt to pick up the phone to the people you love and care about and just spend a few minutes brightening their day. What a lot of people don’t understand is that a mental illness is not rational, think of a lorry, a caravan or trailer that you’ve followed on the road, you know the ones, when they indicate all sorts of weird and wonderful things happen to the lights, the brake lights go out or flash instead of the indicators, you get the picture, the system on those vehicles is still working, the driver at the front is blissfully unaware of what is happening back there, it’s the same with peoples brains, everyone is blissfully unaware of what is going on but simple things (to most people) is setting of a string of weird and wonderful events in that persons brain.

I was at a store a couple of days ago making a delivery, went to use the toilet, wash my hands and sing happy birthday when I noticed a sign up explaining to the staff how one of their colleagues and friends (not very old) had taken his own life, I spoke briefly with the store manager about sharing this blog with the staff, mainly because as he said ‘he seemed so happy, it was out of the blue’ perhaps that call, that chat or that little laugh may have helped him, maybe not, it’s not something we will ever find out if we don’t try.

In this troubling time let’s all look out for each other, let’s be stronger together, let’s ALL get through this!

Since my last blog on the 4th January a lot has gone on, I was getting very down at work, I felt I was spending more and more time covering myself than doing my job, things had to give and I’ve since resigned. I felt disappointed for the first day then realised my mood was improving, that weight on my shoulders was suddenly lifted! I even got to spend some quality time with my little monkey

For the first few days I was trying to decide if I wanted to go back driving or be office based again, I’m think driving would be a lot less stressful so that may be the route to take! Recently I have got to spend time with our granddaughter, little things like that are priceless and makes you think ‘is the stress worth it?’ I have got to do a few jobs around the house and got back into my running 🏃‍♀️

I started listening to more of my Feel Good, Live More podcast from Dr Rangan Chatterjee which was great, listening to positive people talking passionately about what they believe, if you’ve never listened to any of these podcasts then make sure you download a few and give it a go. I also make sure I have 10 minutes every day meditating using the Calm app, I’m sure there’s others that are as good but one of the FGLM podcasts was by the founder of Calm (another great listen) so that’s why I chose that one. It’s surprisingly effective when you let your brain rest for a few minutes each day. Then there’s the running …

Just after the Manchester bombing I signed up for my first virtual race with Virtual Runner UK, I was a bit wary as you can imagine, is it legit, are the medals any good? I have since done quite a few of them and got a good collection of medals now. Let me explain how it works, if you enjoy running and raising money then this is perfect, you sign up for a race, they vary from no minimum distance, 5km, 10km and as much as you can do in a month, once completed (at your own pace) you upload your proof, a percentage of the fee goes to a specific charity and a very good quality medal gets delivered to your door. I digress, how has this helped my mental health you may ask? Running is supposed to be one of the better things you can do for your mental health, there has been a few podcasts on it! I can only explain it as you seem to be in your own world for a while, your mind is on the breathing, the aches in your legs, the distance covered, are you improving with each run, you get the idea. The trouble with depression is that you get into a cycle of ‘I can’t be arsed’ and the longer you go without running the harder it becomes. As I mentioned before, I did always enjoy it and wanted to get back into it, my mood was improving, I was happier and then the perfect ‘race’ comes up, the medal/race is called running is my happy pace, and the charity is Mental Health UK, the challenge is to run (or walk) as many km as you can in the month (at least 10km) what more motivation do you need? So now I’m back into it, enjoying it again and signed up for a couple more already! Thank you to all at vitualrunneruk.com

The long and short of this blog is that I’m definitely improving, looking forward to each day, enjoying my meditation and the podcasts and generally enjoying life again. I’ll even post my total distance in the next blog.

It’s been 3 months since I wrote my last post, I’ve had numerous times that I’ve wanted to write and to let everyone know that I’m doing fine and getting better, but I’d have been lying. I was feeling positive in September, I realised I was feeling down but that was due to fact it was my sisters birthday, then towards the end of September I realised I wasn’t improving.. again!

There were a number of things I did in the past that I wasn’t going to do again, the self harming and the excessive drinking to name a couple of those things. I’ve been backwards and forwards to the doctors and changed my medication, unfortunately the medication I was put on to made me put on weight, well, it didn’t make me but it did increase the appetite and comfort eating I was doing, a stone and a half was put on to be exact! And as a lot of you are probably aware, when you put on excessive weight it gets you down, when you’re already down it’s not a great combination. Back to the doctors then..

I’ve now gone onto another tablet, which ‘touch wood’ seems to be working, I’m on a very low dose which is positive as it will be easier to come off completely. I still have wobbly days but so does everyone.

The reason I have written this post is because a friend was struggling just before Christmas and mentioned their struggles, weirdly I knew exactly where they were coming from and pointed them towards my blog, just to show them that they’re not alone. The feedback was positive and appeared to be helpful too, I realised that myself, them and thousands of others are ‘not alone’ and that talking really does help. I’ve been getting back into my podcasts, going for walks and building up to running again, the one struggle I’m really having at the moment that is putting me on edge is New Years Eve, my wife and I have been invited to a fancy dress murder mystery night, it’s a my best mates house but I’m getting more and more anxious and stressed, there are 2 things that I struggle with, one is being in with a group of strangers and the other is fancy dress, I hate it!! The stress levels have been rising slowly but the anxiety is rising quickly. I will still be going though!!

The morning of the party wasn’t good, I was really struggling and wasn’t feeling good, a couple of good friends came to us before we all went to Coventry, I had to go and have a ‘meditation’ session using the Calm app, that sort of helped me to relax a bit but no matter what I was feeling I was going. If not for me, for Anita, she was really looking forward to it and does so much for me, there was no way I was going to let her down again.

It’s 3 days on now and it turned out to be a great night, lots of laughs with old and new friends. It makes me wonder why I was so stressed beforehand but that’s the problem with mental illness, it’s not rational.

Thank you to my wife for putting up with me, my friends for accepting my ups and downs and my ‘Christmas‘ friend for sharing their problems with me and getting me back into my blog and meditating daily (7 day streak now)

New Year, New Decade, New me, regular walks, daily meditation, healthier eating and back running by the end of the month, feeling positive.

The last few weeks have been full of joy, hope and the feelings of starting to get back on track. Quickly followed by the lows, I’ve had the stress and worry concerning my headaches and eyesight (still not resolved yet), our business subject to a buy out and the decision by the hospital Doctor deciding to change my medication.

I’ve started to reduce my dose of Sertraline as instructed before beginning the new tablets, and do I know about it!! The dark days of depression have crept back in, the motivation is dwindling and the ‘why bother’ thoughts are back with a vengeance. I have started to get back out running with my step sons girlfriend, that’s getting harder each day to pull myself out of bed, I’ve started drinking far more than I should be (again!) and I know it’s upsetting my gorgeous wife but still I do it, WHY??

I’ve self referred to Compass now with regard to my drinking, on a bad day I think drink is great, tastes nice and could spend all day drinking, on a good day I think ‘what’s the fuss?’ so now I have decided to get help to control it and possibly quit altogether. I know it will be hard but I am determined to succeed.

Anybody who has suffered depression knows exactly what I’m rambling on about, those that haven’t, please hang in there while I try to explain.

On periods like now I, like many others have the thoughts of, changing their diet, exercising more, stressing less, eating more healthily and trying to become happier in myself, then, the horrible side kicks in, the ‘I can’t be bothered’ thoughts starting arguing with the ‘let’s get motivated and active’ thoughts. The ‘let’s eat healthy and lose weight’ thoughts argue with the ‘can’t be arsed to prepare healthy food’ and then the ‘must cut down on my drinking’ thoughts clash with the ‘another little one won’t hurt’ thoughts!

I am writing this now because I am feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment, I’m in bed beside my wife, who’s asleep, thinking ‘why am I putting her through this?’ enough is enough, I’m feeling emotional and half of me wants to end the pain right now, the other half doesn’t want to quit just yet!

The alarm is set for a run, fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day.

Ps. P3 charity, if you are reading this I’m thinking I might be self referring and hopefully getting out of this downward spiral before irreversible harm is done!

This past week has been a slight setback in my fight against depression, just as I thought everything was going in the right direction, albeit slowly but the right direction nether the less.

We, that’s Anita and I had got back into walking, with the added incentive of saving towards our trip to America with our good friends for mine and my best mates 50th birthdays, 50… 😬 we pay a pound into a savings account for every kilometre we walk, the kitty is looking good, the trouble came when I started to get more and more headaches and then double vision while walking. As you may have gathered from previous blogs that I’m not one for sharing my concerns with anyone, therefore I kept plodding on as you do. When things got too bad I finally went to the doctors, she had a look behind my eyes, went of to see another doctor, came back and said ‘we’ll arrange an emergency referral with the optometrist’, brilliant, that’s the stress and anxiety creeping back in now.

I went on the Wednesday, got a call on Friday and an appointment for the following Thursday, I was also told I must go to A&E if things got any worse, Wednesday they did, the headache was unbearable and I couldn’t focus visually on anything. I took myself into A&E and that’s where I ended up staying for 3 days!!

I had also wrote in previous blogs about the difficulties I was having with the NHS in general, elements were very good, others not so good. I want to take a minute to address the balance, the organisation of Milton Keynes University Hospital was great, I saw the receptionists they were polite and friendly, then within 20 minutes I was seeing the triage nurse, she goes through the standard questions and then sticks the plastic wristband on, I was very impressed with that, all your details and a barcode that gets scanned every time there’s an interaction with a nurse so the information is relayed straight to my notes on the computer! She assessed me and then I was through to another nurse to take some of my blood, luckily we all carry around 8 pints because they seemed to take a fair amount in 3 days!! I was then seen by a doctor that’s when the waiting game started, the anxiety started and all the thoughts that were darkening my mood were kicking in, I called my rock, Anita, who was there in 30 minutes, it was a long day that resulted in a CT scan and then being admitted, I was eventually given a bed, more blood taken, blood pressure taken and swabbed for MRSA (bloody good idea too). I was just getting comfortable when got told I was off to ward 7. Anita and I was in the ward waiting for the room to be made ready when we noticed the signs ward 7 – acute stroke ward, more anxiety and more stress.

The amount of paracetamol I was having was starting to work on my head and I was looking forward to getting some sleep then to see what the doctors thought of the CT scan etc.

I dropped off around 22:30 and was awoken at 00:15 for a nurse to take my blood pressure, seriously, never mind, they’re doing their job. 05:00 I was woken again for another blood pressure check, it was fine until I was startled awake again!!

The CT scan was clear, but it only shows large problems so an MRI was booked to have a closer look, at least my biggest fear of having a tumour was cleared 😮 I had my MRI (bloody noisy) on the Thursday evening so had to stay in again so the doctor could see the results the following morning, when he came in he explained that I hadn’t had a stroke or any recent events but there was evidence of a possible previous event, cleared of any cancer or tumours was a good thing until he said I can’t be discharged until I had seen the mental health team, he obviously wasn’t fooled by the ‘beautiful fake smile’

I eventually saw the mental health team, and was let out 🤭

I know there’s a lot of nurses out there and that most if not all of them probably won’t read this but I’d like to thank every single one of them from the receptionist through to the staff sister that finally gave me the discharge letter for everything they did for me, the radiologists and the porters, every one of them was polite and friendly, one or two were even funny!! Thank you to all of you. The biggest 2 thank you’s go to my wife Anita, who was there for me every possible minute yet again and to Marc my business partner who took up the reins despite all the stress and strains that go with it, so thank you both of you.

I’m feeling a bit more positive now, have a few more tests to go through but fingers crossed I will be back on track soon.

This is a good time to stop as the eyes are going wobbly!

I’m in a lot better place at the moment, I’ve had a good go at meditation, which seems to be going well, the days I try and do it are my better days, I just need to make some ‘me time’ every morning to get on the right track to start my day. I’ve tried to put into practice what I’ve read in Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s book, The Four Pillar Plan and I’ve also been listening to his podcast ‘Feel better, Live more’ there have been some truly inspirational guests on there, I’ve found that my brain has woken up to try and learn new things. I’ve always been one of those people that gets very enthused if I find something interesting and informative, on the flip side I lose interest very quickly if I’m bored.

My biggest help through all of this is Anita, my wife. She’s gorgeous, sexy, funny, loving and caring, without her help I’d probably not be here writing this now 😢

Even though I have been a complete dick at times and done things that I’m not proud of, she has always been there helping me through it. I don’t always show my appreciation like I should but I often think how life would be without her, unbearable is the conclusion I keep coming up with.

I dream that one day I will be mentally stable again, enjoying life and looking after my best friend, my lover and my wife how a husband should do.

We met for the first time in 2001 through work, I was driving a lorry and she was working in the store I was delivering to, I gave her all my best lines and greatest jokes which she laughed at (I later learnt she had told her mate she didn’t get them!) we had lots of ups and downs, mainly because of me but she was determined I was worth the fight, she always said it was destiny and ‘we will be together!’We will be together forever too. She was right yet again.

Love you wifey, you are my rock xxx