After my dad passed away I buried myself in my work, for me it was the perfect job, I got to be alone with my thoughts, back in those days there wasn’t really many mobile phones about, once I was off the boat I was on my own until the truck was empty and I’d called the office. Slowly phones started getting more popular and luckily were expensive so I was left alone again.
Looking back now it was probably the worst thing to do, when I eventually saw a counsellor some 20+ years later it was explained to me that all I was doing was putting layer upon layer of stress and distress on top of one another!
I could never get over the fact that I went to work the night my dad died and not talking about it helped me in the short term, ruined me in the long term.
I ended up getting divorced and moving away from my kids (still seeing them and paying maintenance and mortgage) this in itself made things harder, my new partner and I struggled to make ends meet but were determined that all the kids (and hers) were looked after and have everything they needed, I worked longer and harder and created more stress but was still worrying about the financial situation.
My dads mum, Milli (or big nan as she was known to my sister and I) developed bowel cancer which deteriorated her health quickly, especially as she must have been living with a broken heart. To me it was becoming a big downward spiral, death and illness, I couldn’t and still can’t remember the really good times.
My mum and sister constantly said I should have grief councelling, keeping quiet and alone was the best way forward for me at the time!!
Lots of my friends started divorcing, there seemed to be constant deaths, everything was still spiralling down. The next most distressing time was when a very close friend of mine suffered the loss of a baby, so tiny and stillborn, I clearly remember her husband carrying the tiny coffin on his own into the church, I remember thinking if that was me I’d probably be dead too!! They were so strong and I wasn’t.
Another layer was added. Then, early 2013 my best mate asked me to be his best man (for the 2nd time!) finally some good news, things were on the up, a stag do to plan, speech to write and a great day to look forward to. Then the morning of his wedding my mum rang in tears to say my sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer. That was the start of more depression, the wedding joy was short lived. We now had to get together as a family (which was pretty small) and help my sister, I couldn’t do it, I wanted to take myself away and finish it, to take away the grief. The only things that stopped me was my mum, sister and wife, they had enough to deal with. Yet another layer was added and the next chapter started….
Steve Braim 
❤️
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