2. As far as I remember

As far back as I can remember I’ve always had a good up bringing, good memories and fun times.

Back in the seventies and eighties everything seemed hard, being liked, being good at sport, being good at school. At least we didn’t have to contend with social media!!

I’ve often watched programmes like Heartbeat, Call the Midwife and Downton Abbey and wished I had been born ready for those eras, everything seemed level, everyone helped everyone else, no major crimes, a fight was fisticuffs and then shake hands, none of the ‘pulling a knife’! I suppose that’s the start of the mind thinking ‘I can’t cope anymore’ I didn’t realise at the time but I now think today’s fast, non stop, 24 hour society has gone a long way to causing my issues. Everything that follows is building layer upon layer of those problems.

Back in 1994 I took an overdose, I can’t even remember the reason why but it’s not a normal reaction to any problem that a ‘normal person’ has. I suppose that if awareness of mental health issues were as good then as they are now I probably would have been given help way back then. Alas, it wasn’t forthcoming.

In 1997 my major issue happened which I thought was the cause but obviously not, it was an extension, or a better way of putting it, was another layer being added to the already fragile mind.

My dad, a wonderful hardworking man was diagnosed with lung cancer, that was a shock in its self, I suppose denial that it was really happening was my go to mind set. He battled cancer bravely as many many cancer sufferers do but passed away on 7th October 1998. It wasn’t his passing that hurt but the following situation.

I was a continental lorry driver at the time working for a company in Kent, I’d always wanted to be a lorry driver after my dad so dreams were being realised. I went to work that night and when I arrived I had what can only be described as a premonition, a voice, as clear as day told me not to go to Paris that night. I told the transport manager that night that I couldn’t go (they knew of the situation at home) but I was persuaded to go! I got a call at lunchtime from the boss telling me that my dad had died. I can’t describe or get people to understand how clear the premonition was because it’s the only time I’ve had it, so many probably haven’t experienced anything like it. I should have listened and stayed at home that night.

Family and friends will often say ‘your dad was a workaholic so would have been proud you were still working’ my mind says he was thinking ‘where’s my boy?’

I spent from October 1998 until today carrying that burden and there’s only one person that can give me the definitive answer and he died. Therefore I’ve had to learn how to cope rather than repair the damage that my brain has suffered.

I’m going to leave it there for now before I start the big black cloud to move over me!