18. Update

It’s been 4 1/2 months since I wrote my last blog praising everyone and recommending apps and podcasts.

A lot has gone on in the time since I wrote that one, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic that no one knows what’s going to happen next, we’ve had a great summer, unfortunately no one was allowed out to enjoy it and most importantly football is just not the same 😩

In that time I had a spell where I felt myself sliding back down into depression, part of me was pleased that I can now recognise the signs but part of me was also annoyed because I can’t seem to do anything to stop it. This time seemed to be different though, when I had one of my regular chats with my mum (yes mother, monthly does constitute regular!) I’m only kidding, we do chat more than that and yes I know I’ve digressed, on our chats she’s always said ‘how are you feeling?’ I’ve always answered with ‘not too bad’ how vague is that? For some reason this time is actually said ‘not great, I’m struggling’ for any of you that’s ever suffered or is suffering you’ll realise how hard a sentence that is to say.

Her response? ‘Read your own blog!’ In a nice way obviously 🙄 I went back to basics, looked at what I was and wasn’t doing and tried to make it right again.

Wasn’t doing: running, meditation, healthy eating, exercise

Was doing: eating crap, drinking and being a pain in the arse to my wife

The one thing I decided I wasn’t going to do was go back on to the tablets, once I started on my little regime again I started to feel better, that was probably 2 months ago. Annoyingly I’m back on the spiral again, I really just want it to stop now.

My running was getting better until I hurt my achilles, I was doing the MK virtual marathon which is 6 planned runs at my own pace in my own time, 2x 5km, 2x 6km and 2x 10km, the 5’s & 6’s all done, felt good about the 10’s and along comes an injury. I don’t know if it’s all related but not running means my fitness is disappearing, my intake of food is increasing as is the waist line, which in turn is increasing the self loathing!

I’m not meditating because I’m always tired, if I meditate I’m going to fall asleep instead, the podcasts that I loved listening too have become a monotonous drone rather than something I enjoy listening too.

So, you can now see how easy it is for someone with depression to slide back into the black hole that seems to consume their life, I want to feel normal again, no more hurt, no more sadness, no more worthlessness. At the moment I don’t want the tablets but can’t seem to see an alternative.

I think I’m going to take my mums advice, at last, and re read my blogs, restart the exercise even if it’s just walking and stop putting on weight!

I will also set aside 20 mins a day for me, no distractions, no phone or tv and just relax my mind. Starting with a doze now!