12. Recent struggles

It’s been 3 months since I wrote my last post, I’ve had numerous times that I’ve wanted to write and to let everyone know that I’m doing fine and getting better, but I’d have been lying. I was feeling positive in September, I realised I was feeling down but that was due to fact it was my sisters birthday, then towards the end of September I realised I wasn’t improving.. again!

There were a number of things I did in the past that I wasn’t going to do again, the self harming and the excessive drinking to name a couple of those things. I’ve been backwards and forwards to the doctors and changed my medication, unfortunately the medication I was put on to made me put on weight, well, it didn’t make me but it did increase the appetite and comfort eating I was doing, a stone and a half was put on to be exact! And as a lot of you are probably aware, when you put on excessive weight it gets you down, when you’re already down it’s not a great combination. Back to the doctors then..

I’ve now gone onto another tablet, which ‘touch wood’ seems to be working, I’m on a very low dose which is positive as it will be easier to come off completely. I still have wobbly days but so does everyone.

The reason I have written this post is because a friend was struggling just before Christmas and mentioned their struggles, weirdly I knew exactly where they were coming from and pointed them towards my blog, just to show them that they’re not alone. The feedback was positive and appeared to be helpful too, I realised that myself, them and thousands of others are ‘not alone’ and that talking really does help. I’ve been getting back into my podcasts, going for walks and building up to running again, the one struggle I’m really having at the moment that is putting me on edge is New Years Eve, my wife and I have been invited to a fancy dress murder mystery night, it’s a my best mates house but I’m getting more and more anxious and stressed, there are 2 things that I struggle with, one is being in with a group of strangers and the other is fancy dress, I hate it!! The stress levels have been rising slowly but the anxiety is rising quickly. I will still be going though!!

The morning of the party wasn’t good, I was really struggling and wasn’t feeling good, a couple of good friends came to us before we all went to Coventry, I had to go and have a ‘meditation’ session using the Calm app, that sort of helped me to relax a bit but no matter what I was feeling I was going. If not for me, for Anita, she was really looking forward to it and does so much for me, there was no way I was going to let her down again.

It’s 3 days on now and it turned out to be a great night, lots of laughs with old and new friends. It makes me wonder why I was so stressed beforehand but that’s the problem with mental illness, it’s not rational.

Thank you to my wife for putting up with me, my friends for accepting my ups and downs and my ‘Christmas‘ friend for sharing their problems with me and getting me back into my blog and meditating daily (7 day streak now)

New Year, New Decade, New me, regular walks, daily meditation, healthier eating and back running by the end of the month, feeling positive.